Running

Each passing year is a lesson in what it is to grieve and hope in this life. I've really struggled this last year with living in the oftentimes painful present rooted in the knowledge of the future. I get lost in the day to day struggles so much that I find myself lost in the darkness of muddling through life on my own. Out of willful pride and a dislike for asking for help, I try hard to buck up and move on. If I've learned anything this last year, it's that I CANNOT live on my own. I am inept, I don't have the capacity to move through a day on my own. And yet, I still try.
Since moving into a place where I live alone, I've seen just how much I struggle with trusting people; and what's more is that my relationship with the Lord has come to a place of silence and shadows because I refuse to trust him. I refuse to share my heart and those places in it that are walled up and kept hidden from all prying eyes. The Lord has been very quiet since December or January of last year. I have pleaded with him to hear my cry and to heal my broken and lonely heart, and yet there has been silence. I see now that my life had been building up to this point. After years of family struggles, deaths, and painful relationships I had finally arrived at a place where my dream seemed to be slipping away from me. And I was alone because I was choosing to walk through certain parts of my life by myself. I wasn't enough.
The tailspin into depression truly began and my Father's Word became to mean very little to me. The hope I for so long believed in didn't bring joy or refreshment. It brought sadness because I didn't think it was mine. I was also really struggling with God's choices for my life, while also beating myself up for my own ineptitude. I felt like God was looking at me with disappointment and for the first time in my life I couldn't find any energy to clean myself up. I also expected Him to finally wash His hands of me; no, I WANTED Him to wash His hands of me. I begged God to just let me be, let me do my own thing apart from Him. I didn't want to be His child because I knew that I would never be a child that deserved His love and grace.




To be continued...

I heard the voice of Jesus say,

"Come unto Me and rest;

Lay down, thou weary one, lay down,

Thy head upon My breast."