Orientation week: The build up and arrival

  It has been really busy the last couple of weeks. I was aiding my boss in making the final preparations for the internship orientation week. We planned out a menu, wrote up a LONG grocery list and got to work trying to gather all that we would need for when the other interns arrived (the details of putting together an orientation week in someone else's house while also providing food for all meals...COMPLEX--shout out to Karis (my boss) who did an incredible job organizing such a huge thing). I had burgers and game night with friends. I also had a pizza night with friends and some RVA (Rift Valley Academy) boys my friends are guardians over while they're at RVA boarding school. I also had my neighbors, who happen to be one of my pastors and his wife, over for dinner one night. I got to spend time with a friend from college who has been here with Serge (World Harvest) for the last year. Overall, living alone for 2 weeks was not all that bad. I love having people over and I have been trying to learn how to enjoy and utilize time when living alone.
  I knew that living by myself would be a challenge if only for the reason that I am an extrovert and spending more than an hour alone by myself can really take it out of me (I hope I don't exhaust others as much as I exhaust myself!) Furthermore, working through Sonship and reading through A Praying Life just happened to hit at the right time to really challenge me to spend time talking with my Father. If I haven't said this already, spending time with Him has become really difficult for me the last couple years. My view of Him and my view of myself are separately so skewed that seeking time with Him in conversation is not something I have desired, nor have I felt necessary. Going through these two studies though, I am being prodded to seek Him, and I can feel the ache of emptiness in my heart causing me to desire time with Him. Also, reading A Praying Life has made me realize how much pressure I feel when I pray. Because the concept of God being personal, a being that can and does relate back to me, is something I have grown up knowing, I have developed a lot of bitterness towards Him for not answering some really big requests I have made in my life. I have also spent most of my life praying like the pharisee who stands on a corner and talks about all that he has done well (Luke 18:9-14). Prayer has become something I do when I tell someone I'll pray for them and I feel guilty if I don't at least mention their name to God and say something like, "I lift so-and-so up to you, God." But is He really listening, especially when the person praying cares so little? This is the question that has been hard for me to answer. What about the time he took my brother from this world when I begged him on the shore not to? What about the time I asked him to get me that job to help bolster my med school app? Why hasn't he allowed me to feel his arms around me or hear his voice audibly?
  Part of me has grown to expect Him to answer in the opposite way I ask, or not answer at all. I don't expect good gifts from Him, and I doubt that he cares to listen to lil ole ME!! However, somehow, the Spirit has softened me with good words of my God's character. Part of my problem is that I segment His character into separate boxes so that He becomes distant to me. Imagine segmenting the character of a friend, or even yourself; it isn't pretty.
  So what would I do if the Lord God showed up to my house for a surprise visit? One night I decided that as I ate dinner I would turn the other chairs toward me and act as if the Trinity was there before me. Let me tell you this, it was the opposite of comfortable for me. I kept checking the window to make sure no one was gawking there at me. I laughed nervously and looked at my plate. What was I supposed to say?! Hey. I feel crazy because I am talking to air. I ran out of things to say, laughed at myself for offering desert to the chairs and then made myself sit there and keep talking. I slowly felt more comfortable. The thoughts that kept rolling around in my mind were as follows: God is real and He is present with me even though I can't see Him. He is enjoying time with me and laughing with me in pleasure at my silliness. He cares about my heart, about my wounds, and He wants to listen. He does listen. He is in this room with me now!

  The interns arrived last Wednesday night and we have been going through cultural orientation and the beginning of the Sonship study. It is so fun to have them here! I knew one of them from college but the other three I didn't know at all. It is pretty cool how well we meld together so far, and how gracious the team here is to newcomers (I'm learning so much about the grace of the Father through my teammates).
  Thursday night was a hard night though, separate from orientation. I got a call about a friend I have here who seemed to be in a pretty dark place. After getting in touch with her one of my teammates decided to go with her husband to the girl's place. I was in a place of total helplessness, in a situation that felt hopeless. I pled with God to keep my friend alive, save her from the darkness, enable my teammate to get there quickly and safely, somehow have the locks on the girl's door unlocked and for speedy travel to a good hospital. Between praying and waiting for any word, I realized there was very little I could say. I don't know whether or not I believed that God would answer my requests affirmatively, but in the end He did. He kept my friend alive, her door was unlocked, my teammate got to her safely and got her to a hospital. I was stunned and overwhelmed by it all.
  The Father saved His child, and He provided. I am so grateful. I know that He doesn't always answer according to how I think is best, but the truth is that He cares about His people and listens to them. He listens to me and He cares for me. It isn't within His character to give me everything I desire because my heart still is motivated by selfish desires and I do not know all there is to know about all of life. He knows all things and He created a way for me to not be condemned to hell. He hears me, he holds me and he gives to His children what is best for them and gives him glory.

Romans 8

26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.