Good Goodbyes

  I realize I already posted this week (like yesterday!), but as I read through my last post I couldn't hear any emotion in words. The truth is I have been overwhelmed the last week. Since being here (as I said in my last post), I have seen some of the sad realities of living oceans away from people you love. One reality of missionary life that has really affected me is the number of goodbyes a person may say in a few short months. When I first got here, I saw firsthand how the kids at the international school here have to say goodbye every year to someone, whether it's just a farewell for now, or a I don't know if I'll ever see you again. It's heart breaking. I have watched team members say goodbye to friends, one of the 1-year team members left, then the four interns, a couple friends of mine left, and now I am leaving in two weeks to work with a team in Uganda (leaving me with only about 3 full weeks left in Nairobi).
  Goodbyes are so hard. I know they are a very real part of many peoples' lives, but they are an overwhelming part of life as a missionary. I am feeling the weight of goodbye and in that I am feeling the weight of longing for something more. Something more whole than a relationship cut short due to long distance. Goodbyes leave a bitter taste in my mouth- this isn't how it should be! I am so glad though that many of my goodbyes here are not the end, maybe on this earth, but not for all eternity.
  So how do I say good goodbyes? How do I remain fully engaged in relationships here, while trying to study for the MCAT and plan for my return home? I know it DOESN'T mean sinking into apathy, pulling away into distance, or covering up with humor. Jesus calls me to engage with the pain of goodbye even while I look forward to something brighter and better- even while I look up to the cross for the evidence of the hope I have in him, and laugh with joy that I am still here today and there is a bright future ahead. Still, it's hard to enjoy one place while also being excited about the next place.

  Some of my anxiety comes from what is awaiting me upon my return stateside. I take the MCAT for medical school entrance 2 weeks after I return. I'm nervous about re-engaging with American culture. I'm nervous I won't be able to find a job or internship in a medical setting (I'm so grateful for my afternoon coaching job!), or that I won't be able to find an affordable place to live. I'm most anxious that the Lord will call me to something different than anything I have planned for or mentally prepared for.
  While being here, the Lord has stretched me in ways I didn't know I could stretch. He has kept me in a state of weakness. I can count on my hands the number of times in the last months that I have felt totally confident and at ease in a situation. Through this he has made me aware of how deeply I need him. I need him to speak peace to my anxious heart, joy to my hopeless fears, freedom to my enslaved mind. I need him to guide me. I need his love so I can love, and his forgiveness so I can forgive.

  Saying goodbye to wonderful friends, and a place I have come to love is not going to be easy. The beauty of this part of my journey...I'm not alone. I have a Friend who said goodbye to all his friends (with the knowledge of hope in seeing them again one day soon). Not only is Jesus with me but he understands my tears.

Isaiah 43:1-5

But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you,

O Israel:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will

be with you; 

and through the rivers, they shall not

overwhelm you;

When you walk through the fire you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the LORD your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior....

Because you are precious in my eyes,

and honored,

and I love you,

I give men in return for you,

peoples in exchange for your life.

Fear not for I am with you....